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articulate

I need closure.
♥ Friday, September 12, 2008 7:57 AM

It's been nearly two months. Tell me. Am I basically living in vertigo or am I just in dire need of closure?
Memories just keep flooding back.
The party.
The garden.
The ride home in tears.
The next day in school having to tell my friends with a smile on my face. To tell them I'm fine. That he'll wait. That I'll try to wait. That I didn't cry myself to sleep.
The next morning in the airport.
Rushing to school trying to look happy. Again. When I only know how to feel the opposite.


To some who understands: I'm touched you go through the same. At least I'm not alone in this cold
world of pretend love and happiness.
Someone once said to me: "How come you never cry?"
And I think "Because I don't want you to see."


She knows. She does the same. She pretends and she smiles at people who smile back. But does anyone truly understand the way we feel inside? Hearts breaking when we see two people together in love?

To see that they have each other.
That we only have our hearts falling apart at the seams.
And seeing HIM five days a week instead of the other HIM I'd rather see...
But how do you see someone oceans away?

They don't know. So many things I haven't told them. Not one of them know the whole truth, everything
about me. Jac once said I was mysterious.
I felt like hugging her. Really. At least she cares enough to notice I'm hiding something.
Other people just fall for my mediocre acting.
Faking like that, acting, pretending for them is something I'd be very happy to do.
Their happiness means the world to me. If I can't have it, at least give some to someone else.
I'd sacrifice everything for them. Although it may not seem like it. I may seem serious.
Emo. Dark. Weird. Mysterious to other people. It's not that I'm mean.
I just can't feel anything else. But with them, I can actually pretend I'm happy.
That my heart is in good working condition.
Seeing HIM everyday isn't good medication for my failing heart of course.
But what can I do? I miss so many days of school just to not see him. You want me to miss more?

No one has to know.
If it's not a need to know.
My life shouldn't fog theirs up.
I really want them to know how lucky they are.
How they should appreciate every moment they have.
The sweet ones.
The not so sweet ones.
To know someone out there loves them (yours truly)

To someone: thank you for letting me share my secrets with you, for understanding, for keeping them.
To someone else: It feels good to see someone has to pretend too. That I'm not alone. Thank you for telling me.