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UGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
♥ Thursday, October 30, 2008 7:30 AM

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.
WHY?!?!?!?!?!??!
This freaking sucks!
Damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what you should go and do, mister??? You should go get a mask and cover up that shitface or something and get the fuck out of my sight!
You know for one glorious moment, I actually thought you were just a figment of my subliminal imagination and that you don't actually exist!
But noooo, you can't have that, eh? You must just show up in front of my face in one of my last happy moments with people I want so badly to remember, and you strut up pompously, wedging yourself into the folds of my memory. Is that what you want? Does it make you happy to ruin people?! Well I'm ruined now, happy?!
YOU are one of the plus points of me going away, so that I won't ever have to see your stupid face ever again, don't have to admit to ever knowing you, don't have to remember you, don't have to hurt when you look at someone else, don't have to hear the break of my stupid insignificant (is that what it is to you?) heart when you look so happy being with someone else, don't have to be hopeful when I hear something good about you.
Just when I thought it was all over, that I found someone else to focus all my attention on other than you, just when I thought it was a piece of cake to forget you, to never have to acknowledge all the feelings I had for you, you just had to show up.
Why do you do this to me?!
And what perfect timing, eh? Just as you show up, someone idiot says some shit, and yeah, it crushed me. Now I'm torn. Thank you very much.
Do you know how this feels??
When someone you care about who is so impossibly perfect loves you, but you don't actually love that person back eventhough you tell him so, because there's someone else you love more. And he doesn't know there's someone else. And you don't know you're the someone else. Do you understand the guilt I feel? Do you understand the heart ache? Do you know how terrible I feel every time I hear his voice? Crapppp.... I'm so messed up.
AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD COOK SOMEONE UP to distract me from my guilt of betraying his trust, to distract me from YOU, you just had to ruin everything.
I had planned everything with all my heart from start to finish, anticipating every problem and expecting every woe. But I didn't see this coming. I didn't think you had to come back into my life again. I didn't think that I had ever done anything so wrong to you that you must ruin my every happy moment.
Why do you do this to me?
I was so happy, feeling so free to be able to laugh with them, to hear them laugh at things I have to say, why did you have to make me pretend I was happy again after that? You think it is so easy to switch back to normal in just a split second?
Oh, one second happy another second sad, okay time to be happy again! YOU THINK I LIKE DOING THAT?
You know? Hating you is waaaaay more fun than liking you. Hating you isn't as hard as you think it is, okay? Liking you isn't as easy as you believe it is. You aren't all that lovable, or glorious, or perfect, or whatever the fuck it is you think you are. You're nobody. NOBODY.
HE is a million times more of a man than you are. Even I am a thousand times more of a person. He never lets me hurt. He never shows up at the wrong time. He has the things I like and the things I dislike etched in his skull. He never looks at anyone else. He tells me all the right things at all the right times. He puts me first. He understands. He knows my happiness is his first priority. He treats me well. He gives me things, physically and emotionally. He listens to every word I say.
You don't even know my voice.
I don't understand why I must do this to myself. I don't understand why you must do this to me.
I want to talk to someone. I want to tell someone how I feel. I need them to comfort me. But I already know what they are going to say. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" "Why so stupid?" "What? Why him?" You know something? I WANTED TO TELL YOU EARLIER. IT'S NOT MY CHOICE TO BE SO STUPID, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK HIM EITHER.
Are you the monster or is it me?
So many things I don't have. So many things I wish I had. Yes, I wish I had you. I'd feel complete. But I don't need you, and I will keep it that way, because until the day you know how I really feel, there's no need for me to hurt anymore, no need for you to hurt me anymore.

I hate you.
dorothy.